Chapter 47: Standstill is still a progress

We have been through tough times and most of the times it is really frustrating if things do not get in our way. Isn't it?

In these challenging times, what are you currently feeling? Are you scared that this might be your last chance on eating your favorite food? Are you worried that your children will be alone in this world and no one will take care of them? Are you mad about the world because there are still a lot of things that you would like to do? Do you feel sad that you did not achieve that much?

Or do you feel you are not ready to leave this world because you have so many plans for your life and you are still looking forward to making it happen?

There are a lot in my mind to be honest. It is a mixed emotion, and I do not know how to be logical and emotional at the same time. My mind is saying - I do not have a time to worry right now (as usual); I need to have a plan for the things that are unknown. 

I hate this kind of attitude. I am always like this. I always try to dismiss my feelings because I feel that it is more important to find a solution that to cry in the corner. It makes me look that I am numb or it makes me look that I am strong. I am not sure which is which but all I know is - I need a plan.

Right now, having a plan is a luxury and hope is expensive. I am scared of the unknown. I am worried for tomorrow and it makes me so anxious what will happen if today is the last. It makes me wonder, what should I do? Will my last day be memorable or will it be just a normal day and then puff. Goodbye.

I know, now memories are flashing back, isn't it? The silly ones, when you tried to run barefoot in the sand and trying to chase the waves; the sweet one when someone proposed to you at sunset near Burj Al Arab and that red blanket that used to cover the sand and a fairy light surrounding the words "Will you marry me?"; the sad ones when you had a fight with your loved one and you slept in the sofa or the happiest one where you said I do?

These memories lingers as I write this and then I realized, with all the things that are happening right now; there is only one thing I need to do. Have faith.

Have faith in the government that they will protect this country, and we will get through this. Have faith in ourselves that we are strong enough to hold on to everything and have faith in God that by His grace and love, we will come out stronger.

Like what Morgan Freeman said in Evan Almighty, "If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

I think this is the time to have unity and express our love with our family, friends and loved ones. I am grateful to this country who has been my home for the past 12 years and it becomes an instrument for me to explore the tip of the world. It allows me to eat different cuisine which makes me happy. This country helps me experience life and it makes me a better person. I am also thankful to all the people that I encounter, I am me because of you.

I hope we will find our core and have something to hold on to in this challenging times. We got this. May God always protect us and keep our faith burning.

If faith is the only thing we got, we still have a lot.

Chapter 34: Bible verses

I never had a deep relationship with God before. I thought going to mass every Sunday is enough. Praying the rosary is more and participating the stations of the cross is going out of your way to show your devotion and stuff.

I guess as you and I grow order the realizations on how to analyze life will get deeper and deeper and the way we see things are different.

I haven't read the whole bible. I do not have any reasons why. I just didn't. However, I have my favorite verses that I would like to share and correlate it with my life.

Isaiah 43:2 - When you go through deep waters, I will go with you.

Most of my blogs would mention "2 years" ago. It was though. I was lost way back then and that was the time when I saw things were changing. Relationships were changing even if I do not want to. All the aspects of my life were challenged and to be honest I do not know how did I manage to still be here. There are times where I thought I would never make it but I guess God is good all the time and maybe, just maybe when I was going through all those stuff and I thought there is no one, He was there holding the light.

Romans 5:8 - I loved you at your darkest

Have you ever had a secret that you cannot tell to anyone? You just cannot because you are scared that people will judge you and you might be defined with all the mistakes that you did. I had a point in my life where in I cannot tell my friends on what I am going through, that time, I found Him. At that time, He becomes my bestfriend.

Isaiah 60:22 - When the time is right, I the Lord will make it happen

I never asked for this. I thought I would never find someone in this world full of uncertainty. The moment I was about to give up, he was there - again. And I am thankful that He gave us time again to cross path and I hope this time, he would be the last. I am thankful that maybe God thought it was time, so He gave him to me. yey! For once, I am genuinely happy. My environment changed. Everything did. The things that I thought I should demand to someone, with him, they are all basics. He might think that I am teaching him stuff but little did he know, I am learning more from him. I am forever grateful.

I will be forever thankful for all those everyday that God gave me and for all those unlimited chances that He gave. Those tons of bible verse and motivational stories helped me a lot get through everyday and I hope I will also do the same to others.

Chapter 31: What is the purpose of living?

2 years ago, I found myself sitting on the shore with my bestfriend. It was evening and since it is summer time, it is humid but since we love to watch and listen to the waves, it didn't matter. I guess.

Those were the times where in I was in my lowest and things are falling apart. I was not able to make the right decisions and I kept making mistakes. All of them kept on piling up and I cannot keep up, however, being on shore with her seems to help on slowing things down. She was one of my comfort zone.

I told her that night (as I can remember) that I do not know my purpose. I do not know where to go and what are the things that needs to be done to keep on going.

I told her stuff that I honestly cannot remember now but I still know how I felt that night. Of course, things did not go well the day after. In a month, it is still same. I am still on the same spot.

It took time.

I had tons of mistake to make me realize what is the purpose of living. It took million baby steps, countless sleepless nights, infinite setbacks and a couple of acceptance statements for me to be totally okay.

There were times where in waking up in the morning is hard. There are moments that smiling and make everyone think that I am okay is rocket science and most of the time, peace of mind is no where to be found.

Those are how my every day looks like.

 It was hell and I do not know how did I manage to go through.

Come to think of it, it is also summer time like before but it feels different.

It feels lighter now. Peace is every where. I told her the other day that some thing changed in me. I felt happier. I felt genuinely happy.

I guess I will not be able to make it if it is not because of Him.

I am forever grateful.

There would be times that I felt like I want to cry but not because I am sad like before.

My heart wants to say things that words are not enough to utter. The feeling is weird but it feels nice.

So what is the purpose of living?

I found my purpose or at least that is what I want to believe. My purpose in life is to keep on helping. Keep on trying to give love to people who genuinely loves me too.

I guess I am tired of being on that bubble. I am trying. Trying may not be good enough for now but it can go somewhere. Right?

There might be other purpose that I am yet to find on the way as the journey is always unknown but I think this time, it wont be a lonely journey.

I think this time, I am on the right path and definitely with the right people.

It took a while to realize things.

It is better to be late than never right? Life will always be an everyday learning ground. We will never know what knowledge we wound find tomorrow and I think that is what makes life exciting.

Chapter 28: Choices

Every single minute of our lives, we keep on making choices. Unconscious as it may seem, didn't we also decide to keep on breathing to be alive? Those choices makes us and sadly some of them breaks us.

How to get up when choices breaks us?

We cannot even avoid falling apart sometimes. Bad decisions are sometimes necessary to make good ones. We live in a world where we are normalizing on shaming people who commit mistakes. We laughed at other's misfortune - yes, we need to admit this too. Our subconscious mind always thinks that we always need to announce the good stuff that is happening to us. We are shameful with all the downfalls that we encountered but have you ever look at the mirror that you bloom differently when you realized that you are wrong and there is a tiny seed on your heart that motivates you to do better?

Downfalls = Blooming season

I learned to acknowledge all those struggles. What else can I do? I cannot even bring them back and if I did, I am not sure if I will not do it over again. I only have two options: be stuck in the past or move on or be better. 

I want to be better. Despite of. In spite of.

That urge keeps me going. I know it is not for everyone. The process varies based on the mindset that we are having.

I learned that I am deciding things now based on my main virtue. I even make a diagram to show how my process looks like.

Decisions make me.

I want to be happy. For now I am deciding things that I know will be good for a long run. Everyday, I will keep on trying on making choices that will make happy. 

There might be times that everything will be complicated, everything will be hard, but I will keep on trying...

Trying is better than not doing anything at all right?

For now, I will keep on choosing all those things that are making me better and happy every day. Those little things that gives me peace of mind is all that matters. 

Chapter 27: A Letter From Me To Me

Dear Love, 

How are you holding up? 

I know you got this, but I want you to know that I would never leave again. For whatever reason, I will never abandon us for the wrong reason. 

I'm sorry for not paying attention to you. For thinking about others and setting you aside. I am sorry for letting others hurt you. Over and over again. I am sorry for believing that people will have the same heart like ours. 

You might never be enough for others but I think we are perfect to be together. I accept all those scars. I think they made you YOU and it is amazing. 

I haven't talked to you like this for a long time. I guess avoiding you is part of healing us. Surviving the storm is not easy but here we are. Still able to laugh and live life. It is not yet too late right? We still have time to create new memories. Let the past be our beautiful mistakes.

I hope you will forgive me one day. I hope all my bad decisions that I made will be part of yesterday that we will accept. I am not rushing you. It is ok. We can take this one step at a time. We will get there. One day, we will be totally ok.

I am proud of you. Of how you are handling things. I'm happy to see you grow. Slowly but I know deep down, with the help of Him, we will be okay again. We will smile genuinely and I am looking forward to that day. I will work hard better for us. We will be the priority now and tomorrow. We will do all the things that are making you happy. As long as we are not hurting anyone, I will make you happy. Whatever it takes.

I will not get lost again. I know exactly where I am and I know where we will be. I may not know how and when but I have faith that it will be soon. For the meantime, hang in there okay? You are doing great. If everyone will turn their back at you, I will be here.

Love, 

Angela

Chapter 26: To be or not to be taken for granted

 There was a time of my life where in I don't feel good enough. Trying so hard to keep a relationship 'working' took so much effort than I thought. I felt so much in that 2 year relationship more than anything.

Realizations hit me hard but it is almost too late. I am almost self sabotaging myself. Setting aside all the things that matter for something or someone that I thought was worth it but it is suicide. I guess necessary pain is needed to be able to escape the blind reality that some people would be too selfish to think about something else more than themselves.

There are things that I have done that I thought ruined our relationship. I stalked her sister, been demanding with his time, cheated and the worst part is being hard on myself are the worst things but I was wrong.

Instinct tells it all.

Why did I do all those horrible things?

1. He said something and I found out it is a lie. I need to find out the truth and the only option (or I think it was) is to contact someone that can prove his lie. Yes the lie is so bad that I need someone's validation.

2. Demanding with his time. I always have this behavior towards him. Whenever he is near everything is perfect. Everything is awesome but the moment he would leave, things are in my head. All those thoughts would come crawling back until I'm drowned with all those ideas. Turns out they were somehow right. Yes. There is someone else. Longer than I have been with him.

3. I cheated. Yes. Technically. I cannot justify this because cheating is never right in many ways. When someone you are in a relationship with make you feel like you are nothing and you are not important, what would be your reaction. When that someone would always come back crying over his problem and he expects that you would fix it because apparently you are the one who told him "no matter what it takes". Shit I hate this line now. Because of the pressure and stress and I guess frustration to run away, I broke up again and again with him and in that interval I have been talking, I have been with someone who would make me feel happy and important at that time. I'm sorry if I cheated in any form because you and your problems are too much...way too much to bear.

4. I always blame myself before. 

"You are a psycho and stalker that is why he will not want to be with you" 

"You are hard to handle"

"If you love him, do this."

"No one would like to be with someone who nags alot"

These are some of the words that I can still remember saying myself just because I want to be enough. I think there is a point in my life where in I was about to go insane with this kind of mentality and still dealing with family issues and of course trying to be okay because you need to perform good at the office. Right?

Why am I telling this?

I thought of writing this because it is a way of healing myself and if someone is going through something mentally, know that you are not alone. The experience might not be the same but I guess the pain is similar.

It feels good to feel free. Free from all those mental and emotional stress.

I feel fearless after I saw myself still managing and smiling after all the things that I have been through. It was part of the silent battle that I can say I am winning.

Things will never be the same. Yes. The damage has been done. That is correct. But one thing I learned and I proved is that for someone I love, I would go all the way. I would go out of my way for that someone to be okay.

Sadly, not because you are ready, the time will be. Even the intentions are genuine, there would be people who would see this as an opportunity to take advantage. It hurts to not know that I cannot distinguish what is true behind all the smiles and moments that we have been together after all the lies that I found out.

He says the moments are true, "I'm sorry" he said. He regret everything and if there would be a time machine he will go back in time and make everything right. All his words like how the other lies went. Do I believe them? I do not know. Part of me does not care actually. All I think about is how blessed I am that I did not end up with this kind of person.

He said I'm the end game. I guess the game has just ended. Yes.

He used to be that 'anyone' in Justin Beiber's song. "If it's not with you, it's not anyone." Now it was like beautiful mistakes.

What now?

Now I am carrying a baggage with me and maybe will be for a long time. But this baggage is different from the other as it contains all the life lessons that I need to move forward. Life might be tough for now but I have a feeling that I can overcome it.

I learned to appreciate all the people who loved me and never once taken me for granted. I love all of them and I am so thankful and grateful and blessed to be surrounded by such.

Thank God for all the necessary pain and the wisdoms that I got along the way. Thank you for the painful journey. Thank you for letting me make mistakes and loving the wrong person. I think now I know who should be the right person.

Chapter 25: Passengers

Funny how life teaches us to grow through the pain.

And we always end up asking "What should we gain?"

The hatred makes us not to see the light.

When things get tough, make your nature still shine bright.

People are not their mistake

Love, your happiness is at stake

If you don't forgive

If in the darkness, you choose to live.

Babe, it might be hard today.

"It will get better" that is what they say

Even if words cannot explain how you feel

Doesn't mean that those memories can't kill.

Passengers we are on each others life.

Hard but what is more than to be stabbed by a knife?

Love, the path is still a journey even walking alone

It will be ok to figure out the wonders of the unknown.

Chapter 24: Blaming games

 I encountered so many challenges in life. Most of them are silent battles which no one knows. Some people might know a story but the whole picture would always be unknown. Posting things on social media that you are happy and seizing the day is just a tiny piece of the whole truth. Little did everybody know, we are all struggling.

We cope up in different ways. Some will always vent their frustration on someone or somebody, some would sketch, others would sing, most of them will eat because of stress and well, few would write.

Nevertheless, I learned that we should not always judge people base on what your eyes can see. There are so much more than your assumptions. We are supposed to care for each other because we might never know that the other is also suffering. 

I quit playing the 'victim role' along time ago. In every situation, I refuse to be a victim. I realized that once you took responsibility of those incidents that happened to you, you would gain power over the situation and would react differently. But I will not say that I am not hurting.

Blaming games is my least favorite. An important person in my life told me that if there would be any problem that will happen in your life, focus on how to solve it and do not dwell with it. 

Focusing on the problem I think is the best way to live a genuine happy life. Focusing on something positive than blaming people with what is happening is something that I would always choose because that is what life made me realized.

In a world where we are being judged by what is posted on our social media, by the silence that they assume of not caring, by the actions that we have done to save ourselves and our peace of mind, by the incidents that you would never want to happen, I will stand with what I believe in - I will choose to be kind even if it hurts.

 I know that life is hard. I understand that everything is frustrating. I am aware that people are struggling. But please, to all those people, I am letting you know that I am hurting too - it is breaking my heart in a million pieces more than breaking up in a 2 year relationship that I had.

Sympathy would never be an option but understanding will really help a lot.

Before it is too late, I hope everything will be thicker than water.

Chapter 23: Life is tough but so are you

 

God has a way of answering our prayers. Sometimes, they are in a form that we cannot even imagine.

Lately, I have been feeling lost, unsure about my beliefs, values and principles. It feels like I do not know myself anymore. I started talking to people. They said it is normal and maybe I am at a point of 'mid-life crisis.' I wasn't even sure if I am that old to feel these kind of emotions. 

I am at a point of my life where in I do not exactly know what I want but all I know is that I am outside my comfort zone and I just need to have my peace of mind again.

Ever feeling uncomfortable on what is happening to your life? Kinda sucks doesn't it? That feeling where you can see everything in your life is tearing apart and there is nothing you can do but watch them. "This is not what I imagine my life would be." I said.

Yes. For sure most people will say that everything happens for a reason. Easy said than done. How would you even accept that justification when you your self is hurting. Human as we are, we tend to be emotional and subjective when we are talking about our feelings.

There is a feeling of emptiness and I do not know how to respond or how to fix it. I tried doing my routine: watching series, cooking food, going to the beach and probably my most favorite hobby - sleeping. It seems to work although sometimes, this feeling will really hit you.

I am supposed to always have solution to everything. I mean EVERYTHING. But this time, I feel helpless. I do not want to feel helpless. I always want to be in control with my own life.

I tried doing new things. The religious community that I am in for some years now asked me to do certain roles. I am not sure why. I do not know the reason. But okay. Let us try. Maybe this will give some purpose in my lost life.

Started attending the meetings, started talking to them again. It somehow helps too. Feeling a little better.

I started reading self help book that I found. I always watch his motivational video on Facebook and I felt happy that he got a book. Thank you Jay Shetty for sharing  "Think Like A Monk." Although I am not finished reading the book. It really does help me to keep on going day by day.

Something happened yesterday evening. I did not expect that but somehow I guess it is a necessary pain. I felt relieved and to my surprise, it gave me peace of mind.

I do not know but there are voices in my head saying, the struggle has now ended. You can finally move forward now.

Everyone is struggling on something everyday.

I guess one thing to make life worth living is to control on how you react on things. Turning negativity as a tool to rearrange your life is not a bad idea - at least the negative emotions are productive and it is not self sabotaging.

I hope whatever you are facing in life, know that you are not alone. Maybe you need someone to talk to, read something to make you feel better, Eat something to make everything okay or do something new to make see life in a different perspective.

Yes. Life is tough. No one said it is not. But hey, so are you.

Chapter 21: Mother's womb is the safest place.

I randomly asked sometimes - what is more painful: 

A. losing your mom at a very young age

B. Losing her at a certain age and spent time with her 

I still do not know the answer but I guess it is safe to say that both hurt. 

I never thought that growing up will make me miss my mom. Never thought that at the age of being independent, I would actually need a person who won't judge the way others were. 

Acceptance.

While we are all humans and mistakes are inevitable, we, as well can certainly know how to judge too. And I think that is where the love of a mom would take over, isn't it? She would accept and understand you no matter what it takes. 

That instead of "what is the matter with you?" The question would be "why did you do it?" -makes a difference right? 

No one would probably understand but I guess I am seeing the world differently now. 

People would judge you and probably define you with an action that you did before understanding the 'whys' behind those decisions. 

People might make you feel alone but I guess a mom wont. 

Explanation.

Have you ever encounter a time in your life where in all the actions that you are doing are questionable? Because it is not what they expect from you? Because it is not the 'right' thing to do? Haven't they noticed that all those times you are doing the right thing and no one asked "can you still keep up, love?" 

I think having a mom who checks up on you because she actually cares with the explanation you will give them is the most precious thing.

There would come a time where in you will just get tired of explaining yourself to everyone because no matter what you do or say, your 'selfish' action already defines you. 

Lucky are those people who have their mom beside them when they are experiencing tough times and blessed are the people who encounter good souls that stays with them through rough moments. 

Love.

They say love is a choice that you are making everyday. When the storms hits the sea, you still choose to love the rain from afar knowing that it will endanger the mermaids.

When the thunder kills the tree, we still choose to take a photo and be amazed of how such light can create the feeling of nostalgia.

We choose to love even if it gets hard. We choose to love in darkness (Romans 5:8). 

I guess a mother's love is a choice she is doing everyday and maybe the reason why whatever it takes, a mother's love will always be the best.

Confused.

But we would not always know why things are happening to us. 

Good things happen, we are grateful. Bad things happen, we are confused.

One thing I learned is that you cannot have both worlds. I cannot be the same person in one lifetime. There would be choices.

Choices won't be 'admirable' in others' perspective but it will always be different if you try their shoes. eh?

Care.

Well, the purpose of this article is not to rant about things but actually to tell you how blessed I am.

Grateful for all the people who understand and accept everything.

Thankful for all the lessons in life that I hope will make me a better person.

Glad that it is almost the end of the year and I feel like a new life is about to happen.

Hopeful that all those pain and sorrow that I am experiencing now will bloom into a beautiful flower one day. Soon.

Realization.

I then realize that you don't need to be a rude person to make your point. World itself is. 

If a person you purely love is suffering about something, would it hurt to be kind a little and make her feel like you are different from the people who turned their back at her? - yep. That is also what I think so. Oh mom, I miss you everyday.

Chapter 19 : I am more than the "love" you gave me.

 "I am more than the 'love and pain' you gave me." 

I guess this time closure is not what I truly need but forgiveness. Forgiving myself for all those silent battles that I fought because I choose to have something with someone. Something that I thought was special.

With all the pain that I felt, the flower bloom out of the darkness and realizations was made before the sun comes down.

It was hard to love yourself. The moment you think you did, think twice. I noticed that there are more things that myself needed in the midst of all those sorrows. 

It was not his love that I needed but myself.

Fixing the aftermath was one of the hardest. This time I did not cried. Was I stronger than before? Definitely no. But I do manage to acquire this 'skill' to not dwell on the situation and instead think of a solution.

It was hard to be heartbroken and be there for those people who needed me at the same time. It was hard to 'fake-it-until-you-make-it.' But hey, I'm still alive so I guess it is still possible to 'multitask.'

I realize that in this time, crying in the corner like a lost puppy wont help me anything. The pain he gave me let me look at life on a different perspective. And no one ever did taught me that. So thank you.

I learned to see the beauty of  morning more than usual. To be happy and excited with the accomplishment of someone. To genuinely help people without expecting something in return. To appreciate my friends and family everyday because they haven't left. 

People come, people go. That is part of the law of nature. But I guess the beauty of it is that you would have a chance to get to know everyone, everything and even more about yourself.

Am I still making sense here?

The beauty of life is where we still see good things despite of the storm that is breaking our core.

I am more than the pain he gave me because I refuse to raise the white flag. I am more than my mistake and I choose to get over it and move on because I still believe with the things I yet to achieve - I think myself needs this.

Over and over we always say that everything happen for a reason to remain positive and we always say that "it will be alright" even if we are really messed up. What I discover is that there are times when all you need is 'acceptance' and not all those 'motivational shits'. Allow yourself to feel the pain again. And. Again. 

The moment we feel uncomfortable with the pain we are feeling, we tend to think of ways on how to make the situation better.

Am I right?

Society will always expect us to be better but what matters is what do we expect with ourselves? After all, ourselves will be the only person who will stay.

All I am saying is that it is okay to feel down. It is ok to cry. Be depress if you have to. You have all the right because we have emotions. But we are not entitled to feel this way for a long time.

We also need to heal. ❤

Chapter 18: The typical reaction of a 28 year old single towards love

This is not a story about romantic love. At least.

disclaimer: I think this will cover different aspects of everything, apologies for having a scattered content.

I had people to take care of me. I am not complaining because I am grateful and blessed to come this far with people giving me love more than I could have imagine.

But...

As I grow older, I saw how the world is...and I am not sure if people would understand but yes, it still feels different to live without a mom.

It is tough to be alone but I think that is how the world goes right? You cannot have anything that you want - or need in this lifetime.

It would sound funny but my life goal was to have a complete family. I want to experience how to have a meal with a complete one and when someone tried to promise me those things, I was head over heels.

Someone told me he also wants to have the same thing, naive as I am, I believed it. Thinking that if it would happen soon but overtime, as the hardship is too much to bear and I decided to leave.

Chances after another was made to make things work out but obviously, it didn't.

Anyway, growing without a mom was hard but the people around me make it easy.

Learning to survive in the desert country, I realized that being independent is a must.

After all the f*cked ups that had happened last year, here are my reaction towards life:

1. I am still blessed to I realized that loving myself is far more important than anything else.

2. Love is a two way sword.

3. People come and go. The best way to have no regrets is to live every moment with them.

4. People have limitations. Do not abuse their kindness for being selfish.

5. The best way to heal is to forgive your self and acknowledge the fact that you messed up and try harder.

6. Make your dreams as a reality. It would be hard but it is worth it.

7. Never let depressing moments bring you down. You are better than this.

So yes, there is a part of me that is sad for seeing my friends having a good time with their partner, getting engage, posting wedding images and having babies but hey, there are still a lot of things that life has to offer. Right?

There are still things that I am beyond grateful to have. 

Chapter 16: Chasing Dreams.

Success doesn't fall under the sky.

And it can't be seen by the naked eye.

Just like a new born bird, you need to learn to fly

Falling and hurting is part of the game, Oh my!

Chasing people, chasing dreams

Make your choice, it is too hard it seems

You gotta make the decision but do not forget the sins

Do good and look what it brings

Life is as crucial as time

Wasting every moment is a crime

Sometimes treasure are not all dime

Listen to the words of mime

Goodbyes are sometimes forever

Good drinks will make you sober

Relationships sometimes get over

But life is still good as ever.

Chapter 15: Assaults.

"Dress well we are going to church." A friend told me as we planned to go to mass together.

Oh. Okay.

It is not as if I don't dress "well" when I go to church but NOTED.

So I wear something "decent" to comply with that friend's request.

We took the metro. It was damn crowded. We are at the back because it will gonna be a long travel.

After few long minutes, I felt something. Something from my lower back. It didn't occur to me until I felt the squeeze. 

Someone squeezed my behind. It alarmed me. I shouted and he denied.

He denied but the evidence on how his hands were placed are enough for him to be guilty.

I shouted on all the languages I know so he would feel ashamed and he did.

My friend was shock with the incident and he was left staring.

It is not about how people (specially women) dress. I think it is more of the 'imagination' of the other person.

Personally, it is kind of offensive when people ask you to dress like as if you always show your skin more than what others should see but I guess it does not occur to them that sometimes, it is not in the clothing that needs to be changed but their dirty minds. :)

Maybe sometimes, it is the lack of respect of others.

Generalizing is a bad idea. yes. After all not all birds that flocks together has the same feather - they are sometimes mixed-feeding foraging flock. LOL (learned something new today ey?)

Apparently, not all people know the genuine meaning of the word respect. So I guess in order for the balance to be maintained, the others needs to adjust (e.g people need to dress properly in order to avoid experiencing dehumanizing behavior)

In conclusion, no matter how much skin you show in public, no matter how long your skirt is, people will always be people. People will always have a mindset, which sometimes (okay most of the times) you will not be able to comprehend.

PS. no harm intended for 'that friend' :)

Chapter 14: Don't let it 'ruin' you.

Global warming is starting to change on how individual as well as living things survive.

The frozen places on earth start to melt and the hottest location begin to experience snow and ice. The Earth learns to adapt with the constant changes and who knows when she will breakdown.

Little by little we suffer with the consequences that technically we created but we try to blame the outcome to everything expect ourselves.

Classic Human.

Most of the times, we blame others with what is happening with our lives. If we are not blaming others, we choose to throw tantrums at them - to ease the frustration that we are feeling.

Choices.

We are always just one choice away to the life that we always long for. The problem with us is that we keep on thinking that "tomorrow is another day." No one saw this pandemic is coming. No one knew that 2020 would make us realize that "tomorrow is not guarantee"

Failures.

With the said thinking, we made a lot of mistakes and missed many opportunities. Opportunities that will not only help us but our surrounding as well. Those mistakes that we made in the past can be fix but there are times that you realize it "too late."

Time.

Too little time, too many things to do. Time is the only constant thing that is moving forward no matter how destroyed the universe is. The only constant thing that can make us regret all the decisions that we made. The only thing that can make us understand how bad our actions are.

Actions.

There is always a saying "do not do unto others what others do unto you" , but I guess not all people understood. Or maybe they are not fully aware of this? People tend to hurt others because, well, they have their own reality. They have their own thinking that do not align with yours. Actions are supposed to be for the better, what happened love?

Hurt.

Knives and guns are not the only thing that can hurt others. Lies, Blaming, Jealousy, Insecurity and Mind Manipulation can massacre you too. Those things that butcher you like a helpless animal. Blood will not be visible but the scar would be noticeable through one's action and words. Worst, with how he sees life in a whole new perceptive.

Lies.

One lie after another until he got caught is the only reason for a person to be sorry. Sorry for what? For choosing to lie and making the other person look dumb? No matter how big or small the lie is, it does not change the fact that it is still a lie. The amazing part of lying is that it actually blends with the truth and it would be hard to distinguish which one is which if you are already drunk with the stories and you completely trust the person - blindly. 

Trust.

Before giving your trust to someone, make sure you trust yourself. Before getting emotional with everything that is happening to you, know where you stand. You are better than those things that tried to ruin you. Trust that with the help of Him, you will get through it. Trust that the global warming that is happening in your life is temporary and will end soon. Maybe not tomorrow but soon. Trust that those people who tried to take advantage of you will have Karma by their side and will haunt them for the rest of their awesome life (scary).

Chapter 13: Million pieces

We always thought we deserve better and people will keep on wondering what kind of standards do we have.

But I bet they would never ask "What happened to your past relationships that made you be like this?"

The problem is that being in a toxic relationships, you will be mentally and emotionally manipulated, lied to and still you will will think it is okay because love will always find its way back. (better think it a million times)

You will keep on thinking it is always your fault and they did nothing wrong. There would always be a battle inside of you and every single day you try to understand those people you noticed that you lose some part yourself until nothing is left.

Do not get me wrong. This happens in all kinds of relationships.

I realized that we will always have a misunderstanding because we have a different Point of View. I guess this is one way of saying or justifying how you feel at a certain moment. But be careful, there is a thin line between being entitled and being right.

I haven't found any solution apart from acceptance because you cannot do anything about it if both you have different beliefs and ideals. Acceptance for me is when you let things be and as long as it doesn't hurt your bubble, you let them be and do their own shit.

Being lied to is a different story. I seriously do not get the point of people who makes lying their hobby. What fun do they get aside from anxiety and pressure of maintaining their lies?

It is true, words can kill.

Being lied to is like a poison inside your body that will kill all the faith that you have for that person. Worst it can destroy your own thinking about the everything. And mind you, it can contaminate others. After all you can influence other with your thoughts. Be careful.

But experiencing these kind of things doesn't mean you have the right to do this to others. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO HURT OTHERS  or throw your tantrums on them no matter how angry you are especially if they are not the reason of your negativity. But sadly, not all people are the same.

"You are not like them." My everyday mantra whenever shit happens. Whenever someone triggers the monster in me. It is still a process. A long and hard one. It is not easy to control your anger but as you see other people throwing their shit on others, you will have a motivation not to be like them.

So, after putting the million pieces back together, I hope you are stronger. After all, you managed to get out of that nightmare that you always want to escape.  

Chapter 12: Pull the plug.

As times pass by, I guess because I am growing (or I assume), I am having a different perspective about life.

I learned that even though you have so many plans in your life, Life (or God) will always have a way to put you in such path that is better for you (even if you didn't like it).

These are (some of) God's ways to make your life better:

• Setbacks
• Wrong decisions
• Failures
• Being lied to
• Anxiety
• Unnecessary dramas

Yes. you read it right, those are the things that will make you stronger and live a peaceful life. (I told you I have a different perspective already.) It won't be an easy path. There would be sleepless nights, there are times that you would not even know the reason why you are experiencing such pain while all you did was to be a "good person."

Good people do not deserve to feel sorrow. Yes I understand. This statement is true. We do good so naturally we expect to receive the best thing in life. But babe, we should never forget that we are just human beings that need to grow and experience life. You cannot have lemonade without squeezing the lemon isn't it?

Those tragic moments that I didn't know why the hell they happened to me, make sense now. And to be honest I am thankful for those because that makes me, me.

I won't go into details with those stuff because that it is not important (but you can message me if you want to know, for motivational purposes), we should focus on the learning that came with it rather than the emotions that tend to destroy us.

I always tell myself this whenever I feel down: "This is not over until I say so." - and this statement keeps me going as I always want to have a successful life and make my dreams come true.

I think it is good to practice your mind to be strong. Make your mind stronger than your heart. Let your mind guard your heart. I realized that the heart is so compassionate that she ALWAYS forgot to think logically for herself.

I might not know what you are going through right now, but if you wake up each day and decided to be a little stronger than yesterday, then I guarantee that you will be in that place you always want to be. Maybe not today nor tomorrow but definitely someday. Keep it burning.

Chapter 11: How to win the battle

Dear love,

You might feel unsecured right now. The feeling of being out of your comfort zone might be so frustrating and combined with what is happening right now, anxiety and fear are now your besties at the moment.

There are no words that can heal whatever negative feeling that you have aside from: "this too shall pass" The things that are happening to you right now is unbearable but it wont last long. Everyday is a one step ahead to victory, just do not lose hope. Things are not over yet.

In case you forgot love, you are stronger that you think. You are bigger than any of this battle that you are fighting and as long as you have a reason to win, you already did.

"A warrior takes every opportunity to teach himself" - Paulo Coelho

To ease the sorrow, you might as well take every painful memories as an experience. Life is full of lesson and we all know, everything comes with a price. You might not understand why certain things are happening right now. And it is okay to cry. It is okay to breakdown every once in a while, it is okay to lose some battles because humans as we are, we are not born to be perfect but to learn.

Love, I know. It is easier said than done. You cannot expect yourself to be okay after the storm. There are still a lot to clean. The Aftermath. There will still be sleepless nights and empty thoughts. You will still be uncertain if you ever made the wrong decision, but as long as you have the light inside your heart, you will be okay.

Do not be hard on yourself Love, you are still learning. There are still many battles that you are yet to conquer and you need to be there for yourself in case everyone else will turn their back at you. Little steps at a time, you are doing great. A year, a decade from now, whatever you are feeling right now will be a bittersweet memories and I hope by that time, the situation is better than you every dreamed of.

Be strong Love.

Confession of a person who chooses to live far away from "family"

Sometimes life has its own way of manipulating things in your life. Most of the time it is not how we want it to be but as we all know, this so called life always knows what is best.

I lived 5 years away from all the people who meant so much. I chose to leave my comfort zone and decided to be in some foreign land that I know little about. It was scary not having the familiarity feeling anymore until the place this place becomes my platform of growth.

DETACHMENT

Nobody told me it will gonna be this hard. That day by day feeling where in you spoke less to those people that you used to talked to everyday. Suddenly the conversation becomes silence and there is nothing you can do but to watch them fade away. You'll start questioning everything and unconsciously, this feeling of isolation is conquering your soul until (for a moment) that spark that you have inside becomes nothing but a midnight sky.

PROTECTION

There would come a point in your isolation where in you need to be strong to be able to survive. I remember someone told me that this world is a jungle. You will be eaten alive if you show your weakness - as for me that is being kind. I saw the world changing and then I realized that this world is a huge variable that keeps changing everyday and the only constant thing is you- yourself.

ISOLATION

It is funny how I sometimes find a company in my isolation. I managed to create my own comfort bubble - knowing nothing but to take care of my own peace and sanity. Most people (I think) misunderstood the word isolation. As for me, walking away from people or burning some bridges isn't a bad thing if it results to maintain the emotional and mental balance.

FAMILY

Surprisingly, strangers treat me as family more than my own tribe. I have this expectation that the blood are supposed to protect me from the cruelty of the world but yep- expectation hurts. But hey, I'm still on the race, so I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

A LETTER FROM ME TO YOU

Hey love, you might be experiencing self growth now, it might be hard - I know but keep the faith. You will get through this. Baby steps at a time. Life might be though but so are you. It might not be okay today - but someday it will. I guess that is what life is teaching us all this time - to have hope in every way possible. Hoping that we can see the end of the rainbow or witness the sun rise again. We might make mistakes along the way but there is no other way but to keep on making decisions and find out if it is best for us or not. It might not always be the way you want things to happen or the way you planned it but what the important things is you are still trying.

Chapter 16: Forgiveness.

We all encounter our own fuck ups. It might be in a different day or place - and of course time but we've all been there. One way or another, we can say we understand each other when someone is suffering because an unfortunate thing happened to him.

Few months ago, I was lost with so many questions in life. I lost my purpose til someone came and told me all his "plans" for us which I won't lie - I fall deeply into his plans and promises.

The charade continues for months and I found myself at a point where in I blindly believe everything. EVERYTHING. Until I found out that it was a wishful thinking. A lie. LIES.

With all the bullshits that has been happening in all the aspect of my life, there is a point where I just can't help it anymore, I saw myself in the mirror and I just cried hysterically while uttering these lines on bended knees - "I can't take it anymore, if it is not for me then please take it away." over and over until I get tired. The next day he called it quits.

He left together with all the "promises" he made. He left me with nothing. And he may have his own side of his story, he may have a reason why he did what he did. he might have an explanation or another lie to cover up the all the bullshits but I don't wanna hear anything from him.

Starting all over again is never easy. Fixing the things that were is scattered everywhere into tiny little pieces is almost impossible and I won't gonna lie, there is a part of me that wants to curse him, pray for his karma (and yes I'm still doing) but I want to try.

I want to try to let the fate decide on how he would pay the prize on the damage that he did. I will try not to wish for his karma for sure I would not hope for his well being as well.

He may not know how much damage he did where all I did was "try". Try to understand him - whatever it takes. Maybe someday he will - when something like this happens to him.

I want to start over again. Erase the memories I had with him and hope that this will be the last time I would talk about this event.

I can't forgive the person who broke me in every ways possible but I want to start forgiving my self for letting my walls down because of his words and lies. Everything will be okay.

This too shall pass.

(PS. this story is fictional)