There was a time of my life where in I don't feel good enough. Trying so hard to keep a relationship 'working' took so much effort than I thought. I felt so much in that 2 year relationship more than anything.
Realizations hit me hard but it is almost too late. I am almost self sabotaging myself. Setting aside all the things that matter for something or someone that I thought was worth it but it is suicide. I guess necessary pain is needed to be able to escape the blind reality that some people would be too selfish to think about something else more than themselves.
There are things that I have done that I thought ruined our relationship. I stalked her sister, been demanding with his time, cheated and the worst part is being hard on myself are the worst things but I was wrong.
Instinct tells it all.
Why did I do all those horrible things?
1. He said something and I found out it is a lie. I need to find out the truth and the only option (or I think it was) is to contact someone that can prove his lie. Yes the lie is so bad that I need someone's validation.
2. Demanding with his time. I always have this behavior towards him. Whenever he is near everything is perfect. Everything is awesome but the moment he would leave, things are in my head. All those thoughts would come crawling back until I'm drowned with all those ideas. Turns out they were somehow right. Yes. There is someone else. Longer than I have been with him.
3. I cheated. Yes. Technically. I cannot justify this because cheating is never right in many ways. When someone you are in a relationship with make you feel like you are nothing and you are not important, what would be your reaction. When that someone would always come back crying over his problem and he expects that you would fix it because apparently you are the one who told him "no matter what it takes". Shit I hate this line now. Because of the pressure and stress and I guess frustration to run away, I broke up again and again with him and in that interval I have been talking, I have been with someone who would make me feel happy and important at that time. I'm sorry if I cheated in any form because you and your problems are too much...way too much to bear.
4. I always blame myself before.
"You are a psycho and stalker that is why he will not want to be with you"
"You are hard to handle"
"If you love him, do this."
"No one would like to be with someone who nags alot"
These are some of the words that I can still remember saying myself just because I want to be enough. I think there is a point in my life where in I was about to go insane with this kind of mentality and still dealing with family issues and of course trying to be okay because you need to perform good at the office. Right?
Why am I telling this?
I thought of writing this because it is a way of healing myself and if someone is going through something mentally, know that you are not alone. The experience might not be the same but I guess the pain is similar.
It feels good to feel free. Free from all those mental and emotional stress.
I feel fearless after I saw myself still managing and smiling after all the things that I have been through. It was part of the silent battle that I can say I am winning.
Things will never be the same. Yes. The damage has been done. That is correct. But one thing I learned and I proved is that for someone I love, I would go all the way. I would go out of my way for that someone to be okay.
Sadly, not because you are ready, the time will be. Even the intentions are genuine, there would be people who would see this as an opportunity to take advantage. It hurts to not know that I cannot distinguish what is true behind all the smiles and moments that we have been together after all the lies that I found out.
He says the moments are true, "I'm sorry" he said. He regret everything and if there would be a time machine he will go back in time and make everything right. All his words like how the other lies went. Do I believe them? I do not know. Part of me does not care actually. All I think about is how blessed I am that I did not end up with this kind of person.
He said I'm the end game. I guess the game has just ended. Yes.
He used to be that 'anyone' in Justin Beiber's song. "If it's not with you, it's not anyone." Now it was like beautiful mistakes.
What now?
Now I am carrying a baggage with me and maybe will be for a long time. But this baggage is different from the other as it contains all the life lessons that I need to move forward. Life might be tough for now but I have a feeling that I can overcome it.
I learned to appreciate all the people who loved me and never once taken me for granted. I love all of them and I am so thankful and grateful and blessed to be surrounded by such.
Thank God for all the necessary pain and the wisdoms that I got along the way. Thank you for the painful journey. Thank you for letting me make mistakes and loving the wrong person. I think now I know who should be the right person.
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