Chapter 27: A Letter From Me To Me

Dear Love, 

How are you holding up? 

I know you got this, but I want you to know that I would never leave again. For whatever reason, I will never abandon us for the wrong reason. 

I'm sorry for not paying attention to you. For thinking about others and setting you aside. I am sorry for letting others hurt you. Over and over again. I am sorry for believing that people will have the same heart like ours. 

You might never be enough for others but I think we are perfect to be together. I accept all those scars. I think they made you YOU and it is amazing. 

I haven't talked to you like this for a long time. I guess avoiding you is part of healing us. Surviving the storm is not easy but here we are. Still able to laugh and live life. It is not yet too late right? We still have time to create new memories. Let the past be our beautiful mistakes.

I hope you will forgive me one day. I hope all my bad decisions that I made will be part of yesterday that we will accept. I am not rushing you. It is ok. We can take this one step at a time. We will get there. One day, we will be totally ok.

I am proud of you. Of how you are handling things. I'm happy to see you grow. Slowly but I know deep down, with the help of Him, we will be okay again. We will smile genuinely and I am looking forward to that day. I will work hard better for us. We will be the priority now and tomorrow. We will do all the things that are making you happy. As long as we are not hurting anyone, I will make you happy. Whatever it takes.

I will not get lost again. I know exactly where I am and I know where we will be. I may not know how and when but I have faith that it will be soon. For the meantime, hang in there okay? You are doing great. If everyone will turn their back at you, I will be here.

Love, 

Angela

Chapter 26: To be or not to be taken for granted

 There was a time of my life where in I don't feel good enough. Trying so hard to keep a relationship 'working' took so much effort than I thought. I felt so much in that 2 year relationship more than anything.

Realizations hit me hard but it is almost too late. I am almost self sabotaging myself. Setting aside all the things that matter for something or someone that I thought was worth it but it is suicide. I guess necessary pain is needed to be able to escape the blind reality that some people would be too selfish to think about something else more than themselves.

There are things that I have done that I thought ruined our relationship. I stalked her sister, been demanding with his time, cheated and the worst part is being hard on myself are the worst things but I was wrong.

Instinct tells it all.

Why did I do all those horrible things?

1. He said something and I found out it is a lie. I need to find out the truth and the only option (or I think it was) is to contact someone that can prove his lie. Yes the lie is so bad that I need someone's validation.

2. Demanding with his time. I always have this behavior towards him. Whenever he is near everything is perfect. Everything is awesome but the moment he would leave, things are in my head. All those thoughts would come crawling back until I'm drowned with all those ideas. Turns out they were somehow right. Yes. There is someone else. Longer than I have been with him.

3. I cheated. Yes. Technically. I cannot justify this because cheating is never right in many ways. When someone you are in a relationship with make you feel like you are nothing and you are not important, what would be your reaction. When that someone would always come back crying over his problem and he expects that you would fix it because apparently you are the one who told him "no matter what it takes". Shit I hate this line now. Because of the pressure and stress and I guess frustration to run away, I broke up again and again with him and in that interval I have been talking, I have been with someone who would make me feel happy and important at that time. I'm sorry if I cheated in any form because you and your problems are too much...way too much to bear.

4. I always blame myself before. 

"You are a psycho and stalker that is why he will not want to be with you" 

"You are hard to handle"

"If you love him, do this."

"No one would like to be with someone who nags alot"

These are some of the words that I can still remember saying myself just because I want to be enough. I think there is a point in my life where in I was about to go insane with this kind of mentality and still dealing with family issues and of course trying to be okay because you need to perform good at the office. Right?

Why am I telling this?

I thought of writing this because it is a way of healing myself and if someone is going through something mentally, know that you are not alone. The experience might not be the same but I guess the pain is similar.

It feels good to feel free. Free from all those mental and emotional stress.

I feel fearless after I saw myself still managing and smiling after all the things that I have been through. It was part of the silent battle that I can say I am winning.

Things will never be the same. Yes. The damage has been done. That is correct. But one thing I learned and I proved is that for someone I love, I would go all the way. I would go out of my way for that someone to be okay.

Sadly, not because you are ready, the time will be. Even the intentions are genuine, there would be people who would see this as an opportunity to take advantage. It hurts to not know that I cannot distinguish what is true behind all the smiles and moments that we have been together after all the lies that I found out.

He says the moments are true, "I'm sorry" he said. He regret everything and if there would be a time machine he will go back in time and make everything right. All his words like how the other lies went. Do I believe them? I do not know. Part of me does not care actually. All I think about is how blessed I am that I did not end up with this kind of person.

He said I'm the end game. I guess the game has just ended. Yes.

He used to be that 'anyone' in Justin Beiber's song. "If it's not with you, it's not anyone." Now it was like beautiful mistakes.

What now?

Now I am carrying a baggage with me and maybe will be for a long time. But this baggage is different from the other as it contains all the life lessons that I need to move forward. Life might be tough for now but I have a feeling that I can overcome it.

I learned to appreciate all the people who loved me and never once taken me for granted. I love all of them and I am so thankful and grateful and blessed to be surrounded by such.

Thank God for all the necessary pain and the wisdoms that I got along the way. Thank you for the painful journey. Thank you for letting me make mistakes and loving the wrong person. I think now I know who should be the right person.

Chapter 23: Life is tough but so are you

 

God has a way of answering our prayers. Sometimes, they are in a form that we cannot even imagine.

Lately, I have been feeling lost, unsure about my beliefs, values and principles. It feels like I do not know myself anymore. I started talking to people. They said it is normal and maybe I am at a point of 'mid-life crisis.' I wasn't even sure if I am that old to feel these kind of emotions. 

I am at a point of my life where in I do not exactly know what I want but all I know is that I am outside my comfort zone and I just need to have my peace of mind again.

Ever feeling uncomfortable on what is happening to your life? Kinda sucks doesn't it? That feeling where you can see everything in your life is tearing apart and there is nothing you can do but watch them. "This is not what I imagine my life would be." I said.

Yes. For sure most people will say that everything happens for a reason. Easy said than done. How would you even accept that justification when you your self is hurting. Human as we are, we tend to be emotional and subjective when we are talking about our feelings.

There is a feeling of emptiness and I do not know how to respond or how to fix it. I tried doing my routine: watching series, cooking food, going to the beach and probably my most favorite hobby - sleeping. It seems to work although sometimes, this feeling will really hit you.

I am supposed to always have solution to everything. I mean EVERYTHING. But this time, I feel helpless. I do not want to feel helpless. I always want to be in control with my own life.

I tried doing new things. The religious community that I am in for some years now asked me to do certain roles. I am not sure why. I do not know the reason. But okay. Let us try. Maybe this will give some purpose in my lost life.

Started attending the meetings, started talking to them again. It somehow helps too. Feeling a little better.

I started reading self help book that I found. I always watch his motivational video on Facebook and I felt happy that he got a book. Thank you Jay Shetty for sharing  "Think Like A Monk." Although I am not finished reading the book. It really does help me to keep on going day by day.

Something happened yesterday evening. I did not expect that but somehow I guess it is a necessary pain. I felt relieved and to my surprise, it gave me peace of mind.

I do not know but there are voices in my head saying, the struggle has now ended. You can finally move forward now.

Everyone is struggling on something everyday.

I guess one thing to make life worth living is to control on how you react on things. Turning negativity as a tool to rearrange your life is not a bad idea - at least the negative emotions are productive and it is not self sabotaging.

I hope whatever you are facing in life, know that you are not alone. Maybe you need someone to talk to, read something to make you feel better, Eat something to make everything okay or do something new to make see life in a different perspective.

Yes. Life is tough. No one said it is not. But hey, so are you.

Chapter 19 : I am more than the "love" you gave me.

 "I am more than the 'love and pain' you gave me." 

I guess this time closure is not what I truly need but forgiveness. Forgiving myself for all those silent battles that I fought because I choose to have something with someone. Something that I thought was special.

With all the pain that I felt, the flower bloom out of the darkness and realizations was made before the sun comes down.

It was hard to love yourself. The moment you think you did, think twice. I noticed that there are more things that myself needed in the midst of all those sorrows. 

It was not his love that I needed but myself.

Fixing the aftermath was one of the hardest. This time I did not cried. Was I stronger than before? Definitely no. But I do manage to acquire this 'skill' to not dwell on the situation and instead think of a solution.

It was hard to be heartbroken and be there for those people who needed me at the same time. It was hard to 'fake-it-until-you-make-it.' But hey, I'm still alive so I guess it is still possible to 'multitask.'

I realize that in this time, crying in the corner like a lost puppy wont help me anything. The pain he gave me let me look at life on a different perspective. And no one ever did taught me that. So thank you.

I learned to see the beauty of  morning more than usual. To be happy and excited with the accomplishment of someone. To genuinely help people without expecting something in return. To appreciate my friends and family everyday because they haven't left. 

People come, people go. That is part of the law of nature. But I guess the beauty of it is that you would have a chance to get to know everyone, everything and even more about yourself.

Am I still making sense here?

The beauty of life is where we still see good things despite of the storm that is breaking our core.

I am more than the pain he gave me because I refuse to raise the white flag. I am more than my mistake and I choose to get over it and move on because I still believe with the things I yet to achieve - I think myself needs this.

Over and over we always say that everything happen for a reason to remain positive and we always say that "it will be alright" even if we are really messed up. What I discover is that there are times when all you need is 'acceptance' and not all those 'motivational shits'. Allow yourself to feel the pain again. And. Again. 

The moment we feel uncomfortable with the pain we are feeling, we tend to think of ways on how to make the situation better.

Am I right?

Society will always expect us to be better but what matters is what do we expect with ourselves? After all, ourselves will be the only person who will stay.

All I am saying is that it is okay to feel down. It is ok to cry. Be depress if you have to. You have all the right because we have emotions. But we are not entitled to feel this way for a long time.

We also need to heal. ❤

Chapter 18: The typical reaction of a 28 year old single towards love

This is not a story about romantic love. At least.

disclaimer: I think this will cover different aspects of everything, apologies for having a scattered content.

I had people to take care of me. I am not complaining because I am grateful and blessed to come this far with people giving me love more than I could have imagine.

But...

As I grow older, I saw how the world is...and I am not sure if people would understand but yes, it still feels different to live without a mom.

It is tough to be alone but I think that is how the world goes right? You cannot have anything that you want - or need in this lifetime.

It would sound funny but my life goal was to have a complete family. I want to experience how to have a meal with a complete one and when someone tried to promise me those things, I was head over heels.

Someone told me he also wants to have the same thing, naive as I am, I believed it. Thinking that if it would happen soon but overtime, as the hardship is too much to bear and I decided to leave.

Chances after another was made to make things work out but obviously, it didn't.

Anyway, growing without a mom was hard but the people around me make it easy.

Learning to survive in the desert country, I realized that being independent is a must.

After all the f*cked ups that had happened last year, here are my reaction towards life:

1. I am still blessed to I realized that loving myself is far more important than anything else.

2. Love is a two way sword.

3. People come and go. The best way to have no regrets is to live every moment with them.

4. People have limitations. Do not abuse their kindness for being selfish.

5. The best way to heal is to forgive your self and acknowledge the fact that you messed up and try harder.

6. Make your dreams as a reality. It would be hard but it is worth it.

7. Never let depressing moments bring you down. You are better than this.

So yes, there is a part of me that is sad for seeing my friends having a good time with their partner, getting engage, posting wedding images and having babies but hey, there are still a lot of things that life has to offer. Right?

There are still things that I am beyond grateful to have. 

Chapter 17: To that guy who made me want to travel time

"He broke my heart into thousand pieces and another million more."

Eight planets revolve around the sun and so like my life to his smile.

I spent almost one third of my life to someone that I thought would be THE ONE. That someone who I used to hear shouting at the top of the Eiffel tower while holding my hand, telling everyone that it is me who he wants to spend his lifetime with. That someone who was too proud to run but ended up spraining himself on a marathon. That someone who I used to take photos with all the beautiful places in the world. That someone who I planned my life with. That someone who I was sure will be the only one person I can count on when I'm in pain, turned to be my biggest mistake.

He chose to break my heart over and over again. He chose to throw me away and put me aside while all I did is to make him my priority, my world and my life.

Unanswered questions

I was certain. I did not see this coming. Was it my fault for being too far away from him? Was it my fault for (temporarily) choosing to be far away so that I can fulfill the future that we want (at least what I want) Was it my fault for giving too much? Was it my fault for trusting a little too much on him, on us? Am I not enough? What is it that he is still looking for? Is she more than what he prayed for? One question after another and another more is all I could think of, that would have taken all that I have to shove one question out of my head.

I could not bear the pain with all the what if's and all the 'unknown' behind my back. Where did all the promises go? Were all the "only you forever" vows in every country that we've been all just part of you being carried away by the moment? Where did the love of my life go? Did he vanish together with all those words -- because he seems like a totally different person now?

You said you want to be the best version of yourself but why does this version of you keep on hurting me on the same level like how much I love you?

You asked for countless chances to make this work, to be deserving of the love and care that I have for you. You said it is me whom you want for your life and it is me who you want to spend your lifetime with. But, why would it take you a split second to disregard me and a decade of memories that we had?

With all the why's and how's and the questions that I have on my head, "Do you still love me?" was the crucial one.

Anger and Mistakes

Of all the people that I knew, you are the one who knows everything about me - down to my very core. You know all the plans that I have for me, for you, for us and for my family. You are aware of the values that I hold the most and my water loo. Out of all the things that happened a decade ago, I chose to stay with you, and it is not rocket science why I decided to -- but look where we are right now.

You took me for granted. This is a fact that cannot sink in my whole being. You throw away the future that we could have had because of a person you barely met. Really? 

You said you don’t love her yet but why is it hard for you to choose me? To choose us?

It was my fault to hope that you still have that good thing in you. I was so stupid to wait for you to make me feel 'worth it' again. I was wrong to believe that you are better than this after all the things that had happened.

I was wrong to love you more than what I should have.

It is tearing me apart knowing that you chose to be someone else's now. Although it is clear that you want me out of your life because you let someone take my spot, it kills me every time seeing you are online and available for someone else, while you choose to not read my messages amidst the fact that all this time you promised you would change – promises which you keep on breaking – over and over again.

But I should have known that they are just words.

Love is a choice.

It is true, love is a daily decision. I guess you changed yours.

You choose to give yourself a chance to fall in love with someone. To get to know someone deeply. You allow yourself to be happy with her. You decided to put me out of the equation.

While all this time, I am unaware of what is happening, I'm waking up each day being excited thinking we are one day closer to spending our lives together.

I have been choosing you over all the heartbreaks, over all the disappointments and fights that we encountered. I choose you, whatever it takes. Until this came. 

I cannot fight alone if you choose to be on the other side of the road.

I want to wave the white flag. I have lost the battle and it feels like the castle that we have been building together were destroyed by a spell of some evil witch who wants to conquer my throne -  or should I say, it was YOU who allowed the witch to enter the castle, the castle which we have built and protected in the past decade.

Regrets and lies.

The damage has been done but the aftermath is so much more than I could have imagined.

I cannot deny that I am left with all those precious memories that we have shared but at the moment all I could think was all your lies. . You lied to my face – a trillion times.  

The lies on my face and lies that you have been doing behind my back was so much to handle that I can feel sometimes, I'm losing my sanity.

A decade of waiting has been wasted by something which started as a “challenge” by a person online - the ‘game’

You could have just told me that your vows are empty like your values. You could have told me that it was difficult for you to spare a little respect for me. You could’ve kept a little inch of respect left for me, for yourself, and for the beautiful friendship we started with.

I might have met someone who I would not bargain for his love and attention because he knows how to treat me well. I could have met someone who is not only good with words but also walks the talk. I could have been with someone who keeps on pursuing me everyday because he values my worth. I could have had a thousand travel memories in the places where we had been, with the RIGHT person who deserves my ‘walk down the memory lane’ moments, someday.

I could have met someone more deserving than you.

Everyday is now a struggle. Waking up each day knowing that you are another day far away from me kills me. Another day closer to her. Another day ended and you are still not on your senses.

Sadly, I made the wrong choice in life when I decided to stick around. When I told myself that you are the one for me, it was my biggest mistake and I can't describe the feeling of how I am paying the price now.  

We could have made it. Just a little more. We had plans together. You promised the world to me, but I did not know you are making your own galaxy with someone else.

 

Chapter 13: Million pieces

We always thought we deserve better and people will keep on wondering what kind of standards do we have.

But I bet they would never ask "What happened to your past relationships that made you be like this?"

The problem is that being in a toxic relationships, you will be mentally and emotionally manipulated, lied to and still you will will think it is okay because love will always find its way back. (better think it a million times)

You will keep on thinking it is always your fault and they did nothing wrong. There would always be a battle inside of you and every single day you try to understand those people you noticed that you lose some part yourself until nothing is left.

Do not get me wrong. This happens in all kinds of relationships.

I realized that we will always have a misunderstanding because we have a different Point of View. I guess this is one way of saying or justifying how you feel at a certain moment. But be careful, there is a thin line between being entitled and being right.

I haven't found any solution apart from acceptance because you cannot do anything about it if both you have different beliefs and ideals. Acceptance for me is when you let things be and as long as it doesn't hurt your bubble, you let them be and do their own shit.

Being lied to is a different story. I seriously do not get the point of people who makes lying their hobby. What fun do they get aside from anxiety and pressure of maintaining their lies?

It is true, words can kill.

Being lied to is like a poison inside your body that will kill all the faith that you have for that person. Worst it can destroy your own thinking about the everything. And mind you, it can contaminate others. After all you can influence other with your thoughts. Be careful.

But experiencing these kind of things doesn't mean you have the right to do this to others. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO HURT OTHERS  or throw your tantrums on them no matter how angry you are especially if they are not the reason of your negativity. But sadly, not all people are the same.

"You are not like them." My everyday mantra whenever shit happens. Whenever someone triggers the monster in me. It is still a process. A long and hard one. It is not easy to control your anger but as you see other people throwing their shit on others, you will have a motivation not to be like them.

So, after putting the million pieces back together, I hope you are stronger. After all, you managed to get out of that nightmare that you always want to escape.  

Chapter 16: Forgiveness.

We all encounter our own fuck ups. It might be in a different day or place - and of course time but we've all been there. One way or another, we can say we understand each other when someone is suffering because an unfortunate thing happened to him.

Few months ago, I was lost with so many questions in life. I lost my purpose til someone came and told me all his "plans" for us which I won't lie - I fall deeply into his plans and promises.

The charade continues for months and I found myself at a point where in I blindly believe everything. EVERYTHING. Until I found out that it was a wishful thinking. A lie. LIES.

With all the bullshits that has been happening in all the aspect of my life, there is a point where I just can't help it anymore, I saw myself in the mirror and I just cried hysterically while uttering these lines on bended knees - "I can't take it anymore, if it is not for me then please take it away." over and over until I get tired. The next day he called it quits.

He left together with all the "promises" he made. He left me with nothing. And he may have his own side of his story, he may have a reason why he did what he did. he might have an explanation or another lie to cover up the all the bullshits but I don't wanna hear anything from him.

Starting all over again is never easy. Fixing the things that were is scattered everywhere into tiny little pieces is almost impossible and I won't gonna lie, there is a part of me that wants to curse him, pray for his karma (and yes I'm still doing) but I want to try.

I want to try to let the fate decide on how he would pay the prize on the damage that he did. I will try not to wish for his karma for sure I would not hope for his well being as well.

He may not know how much damage he did where all I did was "try". Try to understand him - whatever it takes. Maybe someday he will - when something like this happens to him.

I want to start over again. Erase the memories I had with him and hope that this will be the last time I would talk about this event.

I can't forgive the person who broke me in every ways possible but I want to start forgiving my self for letting my walls down because of his words and lies. Everything will be okay.

This too shall pass.

(PS. this story is fictional)

Chapter 10: Happiness

Happiness is relative. It is based on someone's own perception; someone's values and principles. Happiness can be sorrow for others or despair or anger. Happiness is an emotion and a result of a pleasure and desire that is achieve by oneself.

But are all happiness genuine? Are we gonna be happy if we settle for less than what we deserve?

A friend got into a relationship. Both of them were happy. They talked over the phone for hours and for once my friend told me that he planned his futute with her.

She was overwhelmn. It was the first time someone proposed a future with her. She thought it was different.

It turns out to be true. It is different. Different from what she imagine. Different. Just entirely different.

The problem with the girl is that she know how she should be treated. She demanded. She demanded what she deserve. She argued and fight for it.

For some reason, the battle was ignored. She didn't know what happen. All she wanted was consistency even if both of them were away.

It didn't happen.

Was she happy? Yes. What is the price? Self worth sacrifice.

He loved her. I guess. Her stories when they are together suggests that he care. WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER.

But she felt like their relationship is like a switch. It is ON when their hands are together and OFF when hugs become virtual.

She kept on thinking what was wrong. Did she demanded too much?

He was busy she said. She insisted herself even for a minute. Declined.

Is it her fault that at the end of the day all she wanted was to talk to him and listen to his story.

Was she happy being in that kind of relationship? No. She felt lonlier than when she is alone.
The problem with happiness is that it depends on someone's perception.

Some people felt happy hearing 'i love you' others want more than words.

I remember she told me that the guy said "trust me blindly." She did. In all her actions, she did. She became selfless. She herself ignored her own needs while thinking what is best for him.

She once told me she will meet his mother. I saw the spark in her eyes. I saw how the smile didn't fade until she finished her story. Did it happen? Like most of his words and promises. No.

Why? Circumstances. Coincidence.

He promised a ring. She was thrilled and excited. Where is it? He took his words back.

Why? He needed it more than he wants to show his 'love' I guess.

"I will call you later" he said. Did he? Ofcourse. NOT.

And with the compilation of all little disappointments, she had enough.

She cared more than what is required. Result? She was taken for granted.

I guess he knew she will always be there for him. ALWAYS. But I just wonder. Who was there for her?

It is true. My friend has always been that independent girl. She can take care of herself. She didn't need him to be honest. But then I think, she hopes.

But then again, like her other stories end. It failed.

Chapter 7: Riddle Riddle

Shattered in million pieces

Like the stars which the sky kisses

Near the shore she listens

The bells that rings in silence

Blue, black, white, it fades away

The wooden wall hear it all

She was replaced by a veil

Sealed with a kiss is what they say

In the darkness she was left

Alone and cold made her deaf

She needed saving she thought

Mirror told her "make it taut"

Knick Oh! Knick Ah! It's tonight!

Everyone claps, all their might!

Don't dance around the fire they said

But it is too late as the butterfly is dead.

♤♤♤

Chapter 3: Forgive yourself when you let someone break your heart

Hey.
How are you doing? I guess you are reading this because we are in the same situation or it happened to you before - or maybe you are just curious. Whatever the reason is...thank you for reading.
I met this guy but the spark didn't show up that time. The time didn't stop nor slow down like those cheesy romantic movies. There was nothing special but friendship. I never did imagine that almost 2 years of friendship will come this far - will come to affect me this much. Before everything happened, there were signs. Signs that maybe he is in to me. Signs that maybe he liked me. He would randomly hold my hand without looking at me - and I just let him. And I would ask myself why - did he do that? And did I just let him? It happened before we know it. There was a little hope in me that things WOULD WORK OUT - because you should hope for the best right?- even though I know deep down, those are white lies. We were happy but on those first few months, we had serious adjustments. Adjustments from both sides, I must say. We had agruements. Petty and serious ones -my most favorite was fighting about our US TIME. Few months after, I got to understand his love language is TIME and ACCEPTANCE. While most of us are affection, words of affirmation and security, quality time -his is different to comprehend. TIME - for himself, friends, his world before you (or his world without you) is important to him. He doesn't want to be choked with series of nagging (which by the way, I am good at) and asking him where is he or "let's spend time together" sort of stuff... We fought a lot about this to the point of being fed up with this kind of routine. It becomes a poison for both of us - which is last thing I wanted. Days passed I got to understand his language. I got to understand his eyes' thoughts. I learned that if I gave enough time for himself and his world, he would give the same for me too. That time. It was enough. We would spend our time at the park- watching people talking, kids playing and others walking to different places. I always asked him to watch movies with me. He would always hold my hand when it is about to start. Things went smoothly and we were both happy and content with no gifts and out of town just our time and some food -but we cannot deny that the storm is coming. Typhoon landed. And like any other houses, ours are destroyed. The foundation that we built which is mainly based on love got washed away. Slap in the face realization: love isn't enough in the long run kind of relationship without 100% commitment. Like he always said- love is pure but not complete. Let us not focus on why we broke up or why did he/ I left or who's fault is it - no one can dance the tango alone, isn't it? Instead, how did I cope up with this. I don't know about his side because he seems fine about all of these although I know, perhaps it is because of the mask he is wearing. I felt pain- enough for me to not focus. Anxiety. Loneliness and depression. He always told me to be strong and don't cry but how could I do these things when something precious to me has been taken away and left me no choice but to let go. There were sleepless nights. My eyes got tired of producing a waterfall. My mind cannot function well because this heart is mourning - for the loss of her happiness. I was nearly going insane but thank God I didn't. So how I did I overcome this? It wasn't easy. But here are the things that I did. 1. Mind over matter. Let heart take a rest and don't do any other task except from pumping blood through my veins. 2. Do the things that you haven't done before. Well I tried going to the gym and attend classes that would improve my agility and strength and flexibility- so far I'm loving it and I am enjoying my time. 3. Do the things you are doing together - this time do it alone. Suicidal. I know. At first it would hurt to do the things you used to do together alone but you will get used to it too. I tried watching the movie at the cinema alone -felt nice and at the moment is one of my favorite "me time" 4. Do the things you used to love. I love writing and making doodles. It makes me happy. The kind of happiness that needs no one. The kind of bliss that you felt you accomplished something. The kind of sunshine that cannot be taken away by anyone. When you love yourself, your happiness won't depend on others. Genuine happiness will be because of you. 5. Feel loved by friends and loved ones. 'Friendship' is one of the most complicated words that I never knew I would have confusion with. (Another issue but won't focus on this -for now). I let myself reach out for those specific persons who showed interest on my well being. Who genuinely care despite of their busy schedules. Who still get in touch despite of their own struggles. They made me feel loved - enough not to need a romantic one - again, for now. 5. Love your self. I know that points 1-4 is about self love but just for you to remember -learn to love yourself but not more than enough to the point that you forget about others. I believe loving yourself is loving the people around you too. Care for them too, in that way you will feel more alive. Believe me it is true because that is what I have been doing. Caring in terms of not expecting anything in return but not too much in the sense that you will be taken for granted. Balance, my friend. 6. Lastly-forgive yourself. You are a pretty human being who deserves forgiveness like others. I stopped saying hurtful things to myself because it is not helping me. I decided to apologize to myself for falling too hard on him. It is not too late to start over again - right self?

❄❄❄❄

Chapter 2: Law of Physics

"Everything turns black and white while I watch you go knowing that there is no turning back. The clock strikes at 12; Cinderella's shoe is not the one who is left behind but her heart."

Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the given time. This law seems to be applicable to everything - even to the people who comes into our life.

If you would notice, we met people in a particular time of our life when we need them the most and they left when we invested too much on them.

Like what Nanny Mcphee said "When you need me, but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me, but no longer need me, then I have to go."

How can we know if we just need that somebody more than we want them?

After all the experience that I have in life about meeting people and leaving them/me behind, I found the realization with that line.

When life gets though on me and I got no one to depend on. When living in middle of the desert luxury place feels so hard. When everyday is a struggle but I still need to be strong because back home- they think that I am fine, I am physically okay but there are scars that naked eye can't see. That is the time when someone will come along.

Someone whom you think doesn't have purpose. Someone whom you think will not have an impact in your life until he saw those wounds. Eventually as time pass by, the wounds are barely to be seen and you can genuinely say that "I am fine" 

I understand why did he came and stay -for a while.

He made me realize that there are different ways to love someone. Language is not the only thing that has a barrier but also Love. He made me realize what is the essence of time. He made me hope once again until he has to go.

He told me that the love I have for him is an ocean - I am not a good swimmer so I drowned.

I want him more than I need him. I think that is why the 'universe' allow us to part ways or maybe we/he were not strong enough to move forward.

Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the given time. He must decide. He must choose between two important things. He didn't choose me.

Struggles of a 25 year old in Millennial Age

Running towards the bus stop so I would be able to catch the bus while listening to my favorite song  and then riding on the train (music is non stop with maximum volume) and looking at the skyscrapers are my daily routine. Sometimes I observe people inside the metro. They are busy with their rectangular device that they are holding it as if their life depends on that thing. Some will just laugh while staring as if they are having a conversation, some can't help their fingers on dancing to that rectangular thing. They (including me) have their own little world in that thing and that is what makes today a Millenial Age. 

As I have tons of time inside the train I can't help but to think and realize different issues that I assume all of us are also wandering.

1. Money can't buy anything. Or is it?

 Is it just me or is it something wrong about this world that we are living? Gone are the days that people will just be happy playing street games and enjoying each other's company without the involvement of material things. I won't be naive here. I know we all need money because obviously it is a necessity when trading food back in historic times is not enough and they need more value but is money the only reason why we are living? Is being rich and to be able to escape the poverty our only motivation to survive this life? Is money really that important that we forget other "stuffs" that are "priceless" or do they also have a price tag behind their name? Our mind is so occupied with the thought that in our every move per second, their is a price that we are paying. I read a quote that said we are not only born to pay the bills but what does that even mean? Will our genuine happiness also cost something or we will be happy and contented with what we have, with the people that revolves in our lives. I think Earth's perception about life changed and it gets complicated when there are so many things get involved that contradict each other's virtue. 

2. All things are temporary. Even people.

At this age I saw people leave the door that I opened for them. Some have no choice but to go and some are because of the circumstances. 

"We just stopped talking" are one of the reason why we became strangers again. Or are we still friends? I'm not sure about it maybe someday we will again.

"It is not you, it is me." Have you heard of this one? Sometimes I find it funny listening to this ridiculous statement. Is this a compliment that it is not my fault that what we have ended or is it your way of telling that "you are not good enough and I found someone better." Whatever you perception is, it hurts. 

"It is too late." This one is the time when someone do not know what he wants and he just somehow go with the flow and no matter how hard I tried to make him stay, unfortunately others already arranged everything for him and maybe, just maybe the timing isn't right(?) 

The reasons will go on and the their 'reasonable lines' can compose a novel if we talked about it but I guess those doesn't matter because they are gone (well at least not literally). I (or we) gave them pieces of our hearts. Pieces that they took as a souvenir and we are left with memories that won't even fit the space because somehow those things are not enough to put back everything back again.

3. Small circle environment even if the world is square.

Did you ever have a feeling that somehow you don't fit in or you don't belong anymore? Your wants and perception seem to be different to the people around you and you somehow feel that maybe it is too much. You tend to make your circle small because having too many people who knows your life means more explaining and reasoning on what such thing is happening and it is not your cup of tea right now. You tend to spend less time on social media posting your whereabouts because it feels sharing too much. That sometimes it feels like your bed, pillows and a teddy bear is enough to fill your life - at least nobody could hurt you.

4. Nobody is alone in an island. Where is that island?

There are times my your teddy bear won't be able to fill that spot in my heart and I will feel alone. This is not what I planned. When I was in high school I planned to be married by 25 and when I think about it, I found it as a joke because here I am right now - struggling to be independent in a world of sand and sun. It is not that I regret living the life I am having, in fact I feel that I am blessed because even if this is not what I planned, it is far better than what I have imagined but I feel there is still something missing. Being independent is somehow a synonym of being strong but there are nights when you just feel weak. There are days when "how was your day?" "Are you ok?" "Did you eat?" "Have a great day!" matters. 

5. What is the Big Bang Theory?

The birth of the universe. How did it expand and collapsed. How did the world began? I tend to want to figure out everything but there are things that we should left how it is. Curiosity can kill the cat right? They said that everything happens for a reason but there are instances that I don't what to accept this and I want to justify. I want to find an answer to every WHY that I have in my head. I want to always have a BECAUSE in every question that comes out in my mouth. Those moments keep going until I get tired of asking the wind and writing in the ocean and just let things be.

6 What are dreams made of?

As I reached this age, I realized that dreams are not made of the nights when I imagined how my life would turn out. It doesn't stop with imagining in fact it just starts there. Little baby steps at a time. This is not a Cinderella life after all. Nothing is made over night. Things will never be easy all the time. Rejections, sacrifices, heartaches and choices are just some of the requirement to have that dream. Been there. Done that. And I realized there are so much more than what life has to offer to make my dreams possible. There are also surprises that I think it is too good to be true but it just happened.

Maybe some of you also have this realization and I know that you also have your own list. I know all of us are also struggling because we are aware that this world is broken and it is not an easy way that we are facing. 

There are things that breaks me - big time and perhaps you have your own version too. I gave pieces of me to various things / people that entered my life and not all of them ends up to a happily every after. Those pieces can never be returned even how much effort I put it back because maybe it is not supposed to be there anymore. I realized that maybe I could create something new on what is left and let it grow again hoping that I could give it to something / someone that is worth it. Breaking will always be there and we cannot control it. 

I figure out that life is a risk and the outcome on every single gamble is unpredictable. It is not even in our hands but what is left is how we look on every situation.

I think Millenial Age is not only about technology, money, travels, social lives and work. I think this era is more on choices and balance. Choices to be better and not allow these factors to be an arbab in our life. 

In this world were everything is complicated and broken, I guess it won't hurt much to be a little kinder, sweeter and more especially...more human.

What is the meaning of Everything? : Everything, Everything book review

Hi. Reading is one of my way to escape reality and travel and listen to other stories aside from my life. One of my dear friend bought me this book (thank you Aidalyn!) as her birthday present since she knew that I'm planning to buy one because I got interested to its trailer.

Maddie lives in a bubble for 18 years. She seems contented to everything that she has (her mom, Carla and her books) until Oli comes along. Oli made her want to live life differently - like she always wanted and imagined. Or is it? Is it really Oli or is it the fire that burns inside her for the past 18 years prentending that she is okay with everything that she had.

I do not feel like telling the whole story to you because I do not want to be a thief who will rob all the excitement that you have (if you are also interested reading this book). But let me tell you some of the inspiring and memorable message inside this wonderful book.

• Everyday you get up and learn something new. Everyday you find something to be happy about. Everyday you have a smile for me.
• Everything is a risk. Not doing anything is a risk. It's up to you.
• But the difference between knowing it and seeing them in person is the difference between dreaming of flying and flight.
• I'm too busy laughing to say anything.
• Hysterical Abdominal Rhopalocera- The condition of having one or more monarch butterflies take up residence in the stomach
• Me in love would be like being a food critic with no taste buds. It would be like being a color - blind painter. It would be like -
• Just because you can't experience everything doesn't mean that you shouldn't experience anything.
• For the first time in a long time, I want more than I have.
• You have enough things to be afraid of. Love can't kill you.
• This is why people touch. Sometimes words are just not enough.

The list can go on and we will spend ages.

Everything, Everything makes me wonder. 

Is there such person who will make you see the world differently?

 If love can make the world go round, then why some people stand still? 

If love is the most selfless act that one can do to the other, then why do some of them forbid their loved ones to experience life?

Love is such a complicated feeling that our brain needs such understanding to figure everything out.

Sometimes one lie can change your life. It is enough to ruin everything that you have been working for so long. A lie whether good or bad is still a lie. 

If you love a person, would you also lie to him with the thought that it would hurt him so bad as if you killed him?

People sometimes do irrational things to make them happy. If they think it will make them ecstatic. Is it a selfish act?

Courage is such a strong attitude a person can have. Fighting for what you believe in. Fighting for what you deserve. But until when?

Life can be really complicated thinking all the "what ifs" but I think life is still wonderful in spite of all the hurt and pain that we encounter. In spite of all the struggles that we have been through, In spite of all the shit that life put us through. With all the beautiful disasters that we experienced, I think loving someone with the knowledge that it might gonna end up anytime is the most precious one.

Live life the way you want it as long as you are not hurting anybody. Life will always be short. Life will always be complicated in its own way. Life will always be different everyday, make sure you always smile.

The beach told me this

"I lay on the bed of tears and I feel like it warms my heart"

I was drawn into you. Last few weeks I just saw you from a far and heard your plea. I saw how you dance graciously between the rocks and heard how you sing your heart out so everyone could hear you but I bet not all the people could understand.

When I stare at you, all I can see is how peaceful your surroundings are. The air that caressed me makes me understand you more. When I saw you under the moonlight, you were spectacular. It feels like the moon serves as your spotlight and you above all, you shine through out the night.

I learned how to embrace you yesterday and I felt like I trusted you my life for the first time. I had trust issues with everything around me right now but somehow you put that all away. The warm sunlight that kissed my cheeks, the waves that slaps my body, that salty taste that enters my lips makes me realize why most of the people love you.

I looked at the sky while you were cuddling me and it was marvelous. I am very grateful to spend my time with you and I would not trade it for the world. I didn't know that it would be like this until I got a chance to know you. I could go on and go complementing you until I ran out of words to describe how amazing you are.

All I know is that I learned something more valuable than anything. Let go and let everything fall in place. Let everything happened the way it should be and trust that it would be okay.

To that someone who got away

Dear Mr. Sleepless Night,   

“I don’t know what ‘relationship’ do we have but I know it is far better than those who have labels on it.” – this is what you said the day you indirectly told me that we will not see each other anymore.

Honestly, I still do not know what to feel or what should I utter; it is as if I am still mesmerized by the memories that we had for the past 43,200 minutes that we have been together. All I know is that every minute I spent with you heals what is broken inside me.

I cannot force you to stay in the uncertainty of what we have because I know there is far more important other than that. I cannot insist that what we have is something special because I know you might also find it with someone else. I do not want you to fight your ‘destiny’ for I know that you will soon regret it. I am not in the position to demand on you because we do not even have a clue on what we have right now. All we know is that we are happy. -but this is not enough to change everything.

You must take the path that is made for you and there I was; standing still and silently hoping that maybe, just maybe you will be outside my door and will ask ‘What are you plans tonight?’.

Weeks already passed and I haven't heard anything from you. I assume that you are happy and somehow you are managing everything at your hands now I just wished that you are doing everything not based on other's happiness but yours. I understand that you need to leave so soon because somehow, maybe, we just met for a reason.

I want thank Him for letting me met you. You became His instrument to make me whole again. You made me realize how happy person I am and that I can be more than what I could have imagine and most of all, you let me believe that I am an amazing person.

Thank you for the priceless memories, for the midnight thoughts, for the warm encouragements, for the sweet silent melodies. I will always wish that you will be genuinely happy.

Always,

Midnight watermelon juice.

How to keep the world go round

We deserve the love we are giving to others. I am not just talking about ‘romantic relationship’ but as for general. They said that love is a universal language but why can’t everyone know how to respond? If love is what makes the world go round, of all the things that is happening, is earth standing still?

I met different kinds of people with various stories about love and those stories kept me thinking and wondering; despite of the frustration that it gives, is it still worth it?

Scientifically, feelings are made up or hormones based on what I read these ‘criminals’ are the one who can make us happy, sad, stressed and unfortunately it can make you fall in love as well.

Based on what I encounter about this thing called love is that it is a choice. It is a never-ending process that happens unconsciously. Let us begin step by step.

You decided to be happy

When you start feeling happy, positive thoughts will enter your cute naive little brain. You will feed him with ideas based on all the good things that is happening to you lately and this tiny thing will eventually believe you and he will also say that I am happy. – this is where all the problem starts.

You will get attached

Since someone makes you happy, you will hold on to it. Those sweet talks, those cute gestures, those romantic efforts will become your brain’s air. You will always search for it because you get used to it and it makes you feel good and you want it to be that way. You don’t want anything to change but apparently, everything is bound to be inconsistent.

You assume the feeling is mutual

Since this is a two-way process and no one can dance the tango alone, you will think that he also feels the same way. I bet you will have a check list on the sign that you have for you to confirm that everything is true.

• If he will hold my hand when a shooting star fall
• If he will bring one red rose on my birthday
• If my favorite song will play when we are eating in my favorite restaurant
• If he will hug me when we are in our favorite place

The check list can go further as you want to but it is useless if the feeling is not mutual. Assuming is one of the reasons why some hearts were shattered. – don’t feed your brain with too much happiness

Finding out that everything is too good to be true

The fireworks in your eyes is starting to fade. Start uttering ‘good bye’ to your brain’s air. Start living in despair. When he decided to walk away and you felt he left you hanging; it is the other way around. You let your guard down and you let yourself hanging.

The truth is everything is all about choices. You choose who you will become. You are responsible to your actions and how others see you is merely up to you. Love is all about choices – choose wisely.