Chapter 3: Forgive yourself when you let someone break your heart

Hey.
How are you doing? I guess you are reading this because we are in the same situation or it happened to you before - or maybe you are just curious. Whatever the reason is...thank you for reading.
I met this guy but the spark didn't show up that time. The time didn't stop nor slow down like those cheesy romantic movies. There was nothing special but friendship. I never did imagine that almost 2 years of friendship will come this far - will come to affect me this much. Before everything happened, there were signs. Signs that maybe he is in to me. Signs that maybe he liked me. He would randomly hold my hand without looking at me - and I just let him. And I would ask myself why - did he do that? And did I just let him? It happened before we know it. There was a little hope in me that things WOULD WORK OUT - because you should hope for the best right?- even though I know deep down, those are white lies. We were happy but on those first few months, we had serious adjustments. Adjustments from both sides, I must say. We had agruements. Petty and serious ones -my most favorite was fighting about our US TIME. Few months after, I got to understand his love language is TIME and ACCEPTANCE. While most of us are affection, words of affirmation and security, quality time -his is different to comprehend. TIME - for himself, friends, his world before you (or his world without you) is important to him. He doesn't want to be choked with series of nagging (which by the way, I am good at) and asking him where is he or "let's spend time together" sort of stuff... We fought a lot about this to the point of being fed up with this kind of routine. It becomes a poison for both of us - which is last thing I wanted. Days passed I got to understand his language. I got to understand his eyes' thoughts. I learned that if I gave enough time for himself and his world, he would give the same for me too. That time. It was enough. We would spend our time at the park- watching people talking, kids playing and others walking to different places. I always asked him to watch movies with me. He would always hold my hand when it is about to start. Things went smoothly and we were both happy and content with no gifts and out of town just our time and some food -but we cannot deny that the storm is coming. Typhoon landed. And like any other houses, ours are destroyed. The foundation that we built which is mainly based on love got washed away. Slap in the face realization: love isn't enough in the long run kind of relationship without 100% commitment. Like he always said- love is pure but not complete. Let us not focus on why we broke up or why did he/ I left or who's fault is it - no one can dance the tango alone, isn't it? Instead, how did I cope up with this. I don't know about his side because he seems fine about all of these although I know, perhaps it is because of the mask he is wearing. I felt pain- enough for me to not focus. Anxiety. Loneliness and depression. He always told me to be strong and don't cry but how could I do these things when something precious to me has been taken away and left me no choice but to let go. There were sleepless nights. My eyes got tired of producing a waterfall. My mind cannot function well because this heart is mourning - for the loss of her happiness. I was nearly going insane but thank God I didn't. So how I did I overcome this? It wasn't easy. But here are the things that I did. 1. Mind over matter. Let heart take a rest and don't do any other task except from pumping blood through my veins. 2. Do the things that you haven't done before. Well I tried going to the gym and attend classes that would improve my agility and strength and flexibility- so far I'm loving it and I am enjoying my time. 3. Do the things you are doing together - this time do it alone. Suicidal. I know. At first it would hurt to do the things you used to do together alone but you will get used to it too. I tried watching the movie at the cinema alone -felt nice and at the moment is one of my favorite "me time" 4. Do the things you used to love. I love writing and making doodles. It makes me happy. The kind of happiness that needs no one. The kind of bliss that you felt you accomplished something. The kind of sunshine that cannot be taken away by anyone. When you love yourself, your happiness won't depend on others. Genuine happiness will be because of you. 5. Feel loved by friends and loved ones. 'Friendship' is one of the most complicated words that I never knew I would have confusion with. (Another issue but won't focus on this -for now). I let myself reach out for those specific persons who showed interest on my well being. Who genuinely care despite of their busy schedules. Who still get in touch despite of their own struggles. They made me feel loved - enough not to need a romantic one - again, for now. 5. Love your self. I know that points 1-4 is about self love but just for you to remember -learn to love yourself but not more than enough to the point that you forget about others. I believe loving yourself is loving the people around you too. Care for them too, in that way you will feel more alive. Believe me it is true because that is what I have been doing. Caring in terms of not expecting anything in return but not too much in the sense that you will be taken for granted. Balance, my friend. 6. Lastly-forgive yourself. You are a pretty human being who deserves forgiveness like others. I stopped saying hurtful things to myself because it is not helping me. I decided to apologize to myself for falling too hard on him. It is not too late to start over again - right self?

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