Chapter 17: To that guy who made me want to travel time

"He broke my heart into thousand pieces and another million more."

Eight planets revolve around the sun and so like my life to his smile.

I spent almost one third of my life to someone that I thought would be THE ONE. That someone who I used to hear shouting at the top of the Eiffel tower while holding my hand, telling everyone that it is me who he wants to spend his lifetime with. That someone who was too proud to run but ended up spraining himself on a marathon. That someone who I used to take photos with all the beautiful places in the world. That someone who I planned my life with. That someone who I was sure will be the only one person I can count on when I'm in pain, turned to be my biggest mistake.

He chose to break my heart over and over again. He chose to throw me away and put me aside while all I did is to make him my priority, my world and my life.

Unanswered questions

I was certain. I did not see this coming. Was it my fault for being too far away from him? Was it my fault for (temporarily) choosing to be far away so that I can fulfill the future that we want (at least what I want) Was it my fault for giving too much? Was it my fault for trusting a little too much on him, on us? Am I not enough? What is it that he is still looking for? Is she more than what he prayed for? One question after another and another more is all I could think of, that would have taken all that I have to shove one question out of my head.

I could not bear the pain with all the what if's and all the 'unknown' behind my back. Where did all the promises go? Were all the "only you forever" vows in every country that we've been all just part of you being carried away by the moment? Where did the love of my life go? Did he vanish together with all those words -- because he seems like a totally different person now?

You said you want to be the best version of yourself but why does this version of you keep on hurting me on the same level like how much I love you?

You asked for countless chances to make this work, to be deserving of the love and care that I have for you. You said it is me whom you want for your life and it is me who you want to spend your lifetime with. But, why would it take you a split second to disregard me and a decade of memories that we had?

With all the why's and how's and the questions that I have on my head, "Do you still love me?" was the crucial one.

Anger and Mistakes

Of all the people that I knew, you are the one who knows everything about me - down to my very core. You know all the plans that I have for me, for you, for us and for my family. You are aware of the values that I hold the most and my water loo. Out of all the things that happened a decade ago, I chose to stay with you, and it is not rocket science why I decided to -- but look where we are right now.

You took me for granted. This is a fact that cannot sink in my whole being. You throw away the future that we could have had because of a person you barely met. Really? 

You said you don’t love her yet but why is it hard for you to choose me? To choose us?

It was my fault to hope that you still have that good thing in you. I was so stupid to wait for you to make me feel 'worth it' again. I was wrong to believe that you are better than this after all the things that had happened.

I was wrong to love you more than what I should have.

It is tearing me apart knowing that you chose to be someone else's now. Although it is clear that you want me out of your life because you let someone take my spot, it kills me every time seeing you are online and available for someone else, while you choose to not read my messages amidst the fact that all this time you promised you would change – promises which you keep on breaking – over and over again.

But I should have known that they are just words.

Love is a choice.

It is true, love is a daily decision. I guess you changed yours.

You choose to give yourself a chance to fall in love with someone. To get to know someone deeply. You allow yourself to be happy with her. You decided to put me out of the equation.

While all this time, I am unaware of what is happening, I'm waking up each day being excited thinking we are one day closer to spending our lives together.

I have been choosing you over all the heartbreaks, over all the disappointments and fights that we encountered. I choose you, whatever it takes. Until this came. 

I cannot fight alone if you choose to be on the other side of the road.

I want to wave the white flag. I have lost the battle and it feels like the castle that we have been building together were destroyed by a spell of some evil witch who wants to conquer my throne -  or should I say, it was YOU who allowed the witch to enter the castle, the castle which we have built and protected in the past decade.

Regrets and lies.

The damage has been done but the aftermath is so much more than I could have imagined.

I cannot deny that I am left with all those precious memories that we have shared but at the moment all I could think was all your lies. . You lied to my face – a trillion times.  

The lies on my face and lies that you have been doing behind my back was so much to handle that I can feel sometimes, I'm losing my sanity.

A decade of waiting has been wasted by something which started as a “challenge” by a person online - the ‘game’

You could have just told me that your vows are empty like your values. You could have told me that it was difficult for you to spare a little respect for me. You could’ve kept a little inch of respect left for me, for yourself, and for the beautiful friendship we started with.

I might have met someone who I would not bargain for his love and attention because he knows how to treat me well. I could have met someone who is not only good with words but also walks the talk. I could have been with someone who keeps on pursuing me everyday because he values my worth. I could have had a thousand travel memories in the places where we had been, with the RIGHT person who deserves my ‘walk down the memory lane’ moments, someday.

I could have met someone more deserving than you.

Everyday is now a struggle. Waking up each day knowing that you are another day far away from me kills me. Another day closer to her. Another day ended and you are still not on your senses.

Sadly, I made the wrong choice in life when I decided to stick around. When I told myself that you are the one for me, it was my biggest mistake and I can't describe the feeling of how I am paying the price now.  

We could have made it. Just a little more. We had plans together. You promised the world to me, but I did not know you are making your own galaxy with someone else.