Chapter 47: Standstill is still a progress

We have been through tough times and most of the times it is really frustrating if things do not get in our way. Isn't it?

In these challenging times, what are you currently feeling? Are you scared that this might be your last chance on eating your favorite food? Are you worried that your children will be alone in this world and no one will take care of them? Are you mad about the world because there are still a lot of things that you would like to do? Do you feel sad that you did not achieve that much?

Or do you feel you are not ready to leave this world because you have so many plans for your life and you are still looking forward to making it happen?

There are a lot in my mind to be honest. It is a mixed emotion, and I do not know how to be logical and emotional at the same time. My mind is saying - I do not have a time to worry right now (as usual); I need to have a plan for the things that are unknown. 

I hate this kind of attitude. I am always like this. I always try to dismiss my feelings because I feel that it is more important to find a solution that to cry in the corner. It makes me look that I am numb or it makes me look that I am strong. I am not sure which is which but all I know is - I need a plan.

Right now, having a plan is a luxury and hope is expensive. I am scared of the unknown. I am worried for tomorrow and it makes me so anxious what will happen if today is the last. It makes me wonder, what should I do? Will my last day be memorable or will it be just a normal day and then puff. Goodbye.

I know, now memories are flashing back, isn't it? The silly ones, when you tried to run barefoot in the sand and trying to chase the waves; the sweet one when someone proposed to you at sunset near Burj Al Arab and that red blanket that used to cover the sand and a fairy light surrounding the words "Will you marry me?"; the sad ones when you had a fight with your loved one and you slept in the sofa or the happiest one where you said I do?

These memories lingers as I write this and then I realized, with all the things that are happening right now; there is only one thing I need to do. Have faith.

Have faith in the government that they will protect this country, and we will get through this. Have faith in ourselves that we are strong enough to hold on to everything and have faith in God that by His grace and love, we will come out stronger.

Like what Morgan Freeman said in Evan Almighty, "If one prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If one prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

I think this is the time to have unity and express our love with our family, friends and loved ones. I am grateful to this country who has been my home for the past 12 years and it becomes an instrument for me to explore the tip of the world. It allows me to eat different cuisine which makes me happy. This country helps me experience life and it makes me a better person. I am also thankful to all the people that I encounter, I am me because of you.

I hope we will find our core and have something to hold on to in this challenging times. We got this. May God always protect us and keep our faith burning.

If faith is the only thing we got, we still have a lot.

Chapter 46: Waiting for the sun during the night

I guess all of us have those "unanswered prayers." Human as we are, we always long to have different goals at some point in our life. Does that mean we are not content with what God is giving us? We always ask him on various stuff that we think will make us happy. But will they make us genuinely happy?

We always ask for our purpose in life. There are times that we feel like we are lost and we need a redirection in life. We seem to be doing what we are not supposed to do because of such situation that we are in. If we figure out our purpose in life, will it make us happy? After knowing, will that be enough for us or we would like to know more?

As I grow old, I notice that people are preparing for the time that they will retire. Is it necessary? I figure out that it is. We need to take care of ourselves so when the time comes, we are covered. I did what I think is important so I can thank my young self when I needed them. Did my decision make me happy? Somehow yes, because I found peace knowing that I will somehow be okay.

Do you also feel like when your prayers are not answered, you become frustrated? You question everything and trying to justify why are you not getting "what you always wanted"? Have you also felt jealous with the people that have what you are praying for? We invite those negative thoughts to fill our empty hearts and in the end, it will still not give us what we want.

Someone said that "God will provide. In God's Time." 

That statement is true. No doubt.

But I also believe that an apple won't fall  in the tree without doing something.

God is merciful but faith without action is like waiting for sun during the night. No matter how long you wait, all you will see is the moon.

I finally realize that what is happening to us is always a blessing. Some are just disguise with tears and sleepless night. Some are covered with fear and rejection. Some are masked with a challenging day at work but most of the time it has a face of self doubt. 

I guess when God is not giving you what you want in life and all you left is time, that is still definitely a gift. Some doesn't time.

There are people who lost time. 

Some are running out of time.

So, when you think God is not giving you a "gift", He is giving you what you need. Just not in the form that you expect it to be.

It is your perception in life that makes it beautiful. 

No matter how bad the situation is, it is your mind who will make things bearable.

Make sure it is strong. Make sure it is bulletproof.

We may not know what tomorrow will be, but whatever it is, I hope you will be able to conquer it like how you did yesterday.

Chapter 45: Are you ready?

Hello Love,

    How have you been? It has been years since we talked to each other, and I can see how much your life changed since then. How are you feeling that what you have been praying is slowly coming true? Are you excited? Nervous perhaps? Is it syncing that everything will change after a few months?

    Years passed by since you decided to stop making plans and allow Him to do what He thinks is best for you right? So, do you think you made a right decision on keeping your faith alive? Was those years of suffering and pain worth it now? Did you see the reason now why did things end up the way they did before?

It is surreal. I have never imagined before that I would be able to experience all of these things and I am forever grateful that things happened the way they did. What is happening now is way better than I ever imagined it would be. I couldn't ask for more because this is more than a fairytale come true.

The only difference is that I don't need to run when the clock strikes at 12 because I could wake up each day with the same scenario. I will not be scared that someone took my voice to have a feet just to be with someone I love because it was fate that brings us back together without any consequence in return. I don't need to sleep forever and wait for a prince to come because he is already here.

This is way better than a fairytale, but it is magical at the same time.

So I can say that I have a mixed emotion, but they are good feelings. I can't wait to tell you so many things but for now all I can say is I am happy and contented and I feel loved everyday. 

Chapter 44: You will see things differently

Few years ago, I saw the world as a jungle. A forest where everyone should fight for their own survival. You will never know what is behind the bushes and it makes me scared. I think that is when I develop my trust issues because you will never know when it will be a trap.

YOU NEED TO SURVIVE. That is what I thought.

Living like this is not life after all.

There would be sleepless nights. overthinking on what will happen the next day. "Will tomorrow be an ordinary day or will I be chase by lions?" "Will a snake bite me tomorrow and will never survive because of the deadly venom that will enter my humanity?"

"What will tomorrow bring?" Is a statement that makes me want to hide underneath my bed.

I know how it feels like to live in uncertainty.

Until a miracle happen.

For a miracle to happen, you need to be in a certain place at a certain time. You need to make choices that will make a miracle happen because it will not just happen. -just in my opinion

Certain decisions in our life lead us to where we are today. Are we supposed to be here? Are we happy to where we are? Do you want to be somewhere else? Everything is up to you.

It will always be a choice.

As we sail this boat, I hope that your compas is leading you in a correct direction. You might ask a question like 'how will I know that this is the right path?' It seems so hard to figure it out but if you just listen, you will see things differently.

Do not just listen to your heart because they are all about emotion; not just to your brain because it will make a logical decision but listen and understand your soul because it will choose the right one for you.

Our soul is the window to our being. Our soul is the foundation of our morality and principles. Our soul is the source of our faith and hope, and it can never go wrong.

In case your journey is getting a little bit rocky, you are allowed to pause for a while and listen. Listen to every fiber of your wellbeing and the answer will be right in front of you.

Chapter 43: Life goes on.

A life far away from home thought me various stuff about life. It also gave me different description on what life is - depending on what situation I am into. My favorite is 'life goes on.'

Life will continue no matter how complicated things are. It will still make baby steps whether you like it or not. The only question that will remain is: as life passes by in front of your eyes, what would you rather do, grow with it or wither like a sunflower while watching the ray of the sun?

A continuous process of growth is what I will describe my journey. "Journey from where?" You might ask. Journey in finding a purpose to life - I would respond. I believe our purpose differs from phase to phase. Back in college my main goal is to graduate and have work after that everything is blurry - at least for me. When I started working, the purpose is to have income to sustain yourself and family. Is there anything else?

When I decided to work in the desert, all I want is to have a high salary. Get the things I want and be able to provide. Period. The material things in life that I want are getting almost reachable now and I can still manage to provide but one day I asked myself- Is there more to life than this?

I begin to question. In a place where you are surrounded by diamond and gold, what do I really want? I never told anyone but the biggest challenge in my journey is loneliness. Being alone physically is bearable but feeling of abandoned and left out is a different story.

In this phase, my purpose changed. I NEED TO SURVIVE. There comes a time that everything is falling apart. Everything seems to fade. The path is getting blurry and if I am being honest, I have no time to feel lost and all because there is so much $*&^ that I need to get a hold of.

I have a job to maintain. I have family to take care of. I have friends to accompany. I have my own self to love. There is so much and breaking down because of the different aspects in life is not even an option. 

That is when I 'develop' this defense mechanism from the reality of life. I need to be okay. And in order to be okay, I need to have a strong will or else I will give up on this battle. I became this kind of person and experience taught me to figure $*&^ out and whatever it takes, I need to be okay.

Because of this, I am misunderstood which I totally understand. I am far from the old me and there are certain things that I seem to forget because I am busy "surviving." I tend to forget the things that matter to people I used to love and here I am, starting to learn again.

Faith is the only thing that is constant in my path. Faith leads me here and I know it will also lead me to places. Maybe places where I didn't plan to be but I suppose that is where I am supposed to.

Life might give us different lessons in life but I hope whatever learnings you got from it, let love be greater than anything. Let your love for family be greater than the past mistakes you've done. Let the love for yourself be bigger that the disappointment you had before. Let your love for your family and community be much more than the misunderstandings you encountered. I know it is easier said than done but wouldn't it be nice to live in a world like that?

Chapter 42: In the end have a loving heart

Hi Love,

How are you feeling these days?

As the days go by, I can see how everything is affecting you. I noticed that tears would compete to the water that is rushing through your skin whenever you have a shower. There are things that might go out of hand because of your own actions. You should've think before you act, but it is already there, as much as we want to fix certain important stuff, all we can for now is wait.

Things are though but I'm praying with you that everything will be okay. Cheer up a little.

There maybe various factors in our life that we cannot control and you need to accept that some or most of them are not according to your plan. It happens, love, please do not be discourage.

"Let your love be bigger than anything else in the world"

Keep choosing to be better, in every scenario. Human as we are, we tend to have our emotions lead the way. As a result, we end up in a position that we do not want. It would be hard to control your emotions, I know you but you can always try. Let yourself be calm before deciding. Let your mind be at peace when making an action. Let your heart be silent when your lips want to say something. 

"We cannot take it back when it is said."

Someone dear to me always said, 'be careful with your words because you cannot take it back.' He keeps on commenting whenever I rant with random stuff. Now, it is kinda stuck on my head. It is hard to choose the correct words sometimes when your emotion is as high as mount fuji. Reminding yourself to do not drop words like a bomb when you are mad is always challenging specially when I am used to be a straightforward person.

But hey, I realized that you can still be a straight forward kind of person without hurting someone. It is a matter of tone and words. But yes, sometimes,  we tend to slip.

Love, I understand where you are coming from. I understand the hurt and pain you are feeling but maybe it is time to drop all those baggage. It is hard, I know since you get used to those but it is occupying a large part of your heart and it is time to leave all those behind.

Small steps at a time, as I keep on telling you, choices make or break you. and I hope every choice you make will be for the better. Do not let pain ruin the best part of you. You are more than this.

Above all...have faith in Him. 

Chapter 41: Col 3:14

It is still not sinking in my tiny brain that we are engage.

Feels like everything is not real. I don't know, and I am left with no words so I decided to write. -maybe something will come out of this.

Okay?

Dear Papa God,

I am forever grateful.

Minsan talaga nagbibigay ka ng challenges samin to make us realize that you want something better for than dun sa gusto namen para sa mga sarili namen.

Last year was a year of healing from the previous year.

All I want last year is peace of mind pero you let me have a chance to find love.

Thank you for always letting us know na kahit may mga challenges in life, once we have faith in you, one way or another, everything will be okay. - eventually it did.

Lance was like a breath of fresh air.

Slowly, he made me a better person that I could imagine.

He didn't try to change me but instead he showed how to be kind.

Ang daming instances na he showed it, hindi ko alam kung aware sya but he did. 

So I tried to be like that kind of person because it feels nice.

I think what he did is too much for me. -deserve ko ba?

Pero thank you kasi in this world where everyone is trying to find happiness - I find him.

Words are not enough to say how thankful I am so maybe choosing him everyday will be enough.

Okay. Speechless again. <3

Love,

Angela